Not to brag, but this weekend I received a text that read: “Whatbryiu dosing”
I’m such a bad drunk texter that I have an understanding of word vomit to an academic level (or maybe it’s my historic reputation with horrible spelling).
Let’s break down the phrase:
Drunk
/drəNGk/
verb
Having an unusual sense of confidence. Results in dancing ability, singing ability, and ability to not care what anyone thinks.
adjective
affected by alcohol to the extent of losing control of one's faculties or behavior.
"he was so drunk he read the Enacko blog out loud to the whole party and everyone laughed and loved him for it"
noun
a person who is willing to risk it all for one more drink.
Texting
/ˈtekstiNG/
noun
the action or practice of sending a message behind a screen so you can deal with consequences at a later date
"his father banned him from texting because he was kept sending unsolicited crystal memes to the family group chat"
The important parts about these definitions lie in the word “confidence” and the phrase “deal with consequences at a later date” … the combination as you can see are pretty deadly.
I’d like to see a success rate (meaning getting the desired outcome) from being a drunken buffoon on your iPhone. It can’t be high. But that drunken, inspired confidence really makes you feel like you can hit the lottery. Not hitting the lottery usually results in a minimal loss of money, but with drunk texting, it can lead to humiliation and shame (at least that’s what a friend told me).
Do we care what the ramifications are? Usually not. Will we be receiving a notice from HR on Monday? Probably.
Some may say an automated vehicle is the most dangerous thing to have control over while drinking. I would argue that a fully armed apache helicopter in a densely populated area would actually take #1, but I don’t run the commercials. My point is, a charged phone and an imaginary sense of liquid confidence might squeeze in at #3.
If you have a problem with this please call the number on your screen.
(403) 273-7373 and get yourself a Pizza 73. I always wanted to make that joke in a blog and I’m happy I finally achieved it.
Anyways, please keep reading for our very special announcement.
FOOL’S GOLD CRYSTALS:
If you’re a long-time loyal subscriber, you might remember our first ever bit of the week.
We thought this idea was so bad that it could be good.
Well boy do we have news for you. We’ve made this a reality. We know your friends are massive fuckups. Do they constantly find themselves drunk texting their ex? Or perhaps their vice is something more physically addictive, like nicotine. Or maybe you’re worried for their health and wellbeing because they’ve been devoid of physical touch. We present to you the perfect solution: Fool’s Gold Crystals. The perfect kick in the ass for you or your friend to get them to be a better person.
Presenting our crystals:
If you’re in Toronto or Calgary, we have free shipping! If you’re outside these areas… get fucked! Shipping is expensive and we tried to rectify the situation as much as we could, but we cannot (yet).
Bit of the Week
Buy your friend a Fools Gold Crystal from enacko.com CLICK THE LINK
Fuck it, buy yourself one. #SelfCare #TreatYoSelf2011 #TheBestDayoftheYear
(For the record, Siobhan was a little tipsy making these edits)
GrrrMondays
I think this blog was missing examples of really bad drunk texts Jack’s sent, but he wasn’t willing to give that because he doesn’t love you. Fair enough. Let the record show that I would do anything for my fans. And if you’re not from Calgary so Jack’s Pizza 73 joke didn’t land, replace it with 439-0-0-0-0 Pizza Nova. You’re welcome.
Anyways, please buy a crystal. Don’t make me beg.
Cordially,
Enacko